Hey, you’ve got to hide your love away… and all of the plot holes.

I’m a bad person. I absolutely loathe The Matrix. While apathetic distaste of the sequels is a sure sign that your eyes are still working and that you’re completely sane, I even hate the first one (the popular one that made everybody think that they understood Descartes — even though the brain in the vat was Putnam’s idea, but whatever).

But let us not speak of that first one, and turn our attention to the third one (which was on telebox this evening).

Ignore the heavy handed Jesus imagery. Ignore the super annoying characters whom you could easily wipe out if given a million death drones. Ignore the dialogue which treats the audience as if they’re a bunch of stoner, undergrad Continental philosophy students (oh, wait…).

Why the McFlying Freak does Keanu Reeves have magical powers in the real world? Isn’t the whole point that he has some sort of superbrain (Keanu’s Super Brain is the most wildly improbable aspect of the first movie) which allows him to do ‘Woah’ superman moves in the virtual world? Isn’t he just a grown up version of Digimon?

When did he get the ability to make robot death machines explode with his mind? When did that happen? He seems to get a new superpower each movie; in number 2, he develops the ability to revive the dead (causing Trinity to spend the next movie as a zombie — a sharp change from the praying mantis she was portraying in the first two movies).

Oh, and if Keanu’s Super Brain was the most wildly improbable aspect of the first movie, then Keanu Rejecting Monica Bellucci because he really likes the aforementioned praying mantis was the most wildly improbable aspect of the second movie. On sober reflexion, it was the most improbable aspect of all of the movies.

So, yes. When did he get superpowers in the real world?

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